coeur

this heart it beats, it bleeds.
this mind it strays, it stays.

running

not running away.
but running on empty.

how far can that take you?

when you're no longer fueled by the raw emotion of being in love.
but rather, you're moving along from the momentum generated by it.

sure it'll take you somewhere.

but would it take you anywhere far?

just tell me why

why do we tend to destroy things that are the closest and dearest to us
to slowly but surely pick the flakes off the wounds, just when they're healing
only to expose them and let them hurt again.

why do we find thrill in others when we once convinced ourselves that
you were the one worth crying for, dying for.

it's sickening because you don't want to lose someone,
but the feeling of being loved by someone else reaches you deeper inside your being.
it penetrates your soul and rejuvenates you.

isn't that a good thing too?

does it still make it a bad thing?

to err is human, which basically means, to fuck up is human. i guess we're all one big happy fucked up bunch aren't we all.

step into my happy space

i'm in a good mood!! leaving for berlin in approximately 3 days and i've got half my packing done. an accomplishment. seriously. what's left is to throw my boots in (i haven't worn them since god knows how long, i'm crossing my fingers they don't give way there) and other small items.

i want to see falling snow. and more specifically, snow flakes :)

i want to make snow angels and men.

i also want to take my new wool coat out for a spin.

however, what i do not want is:

for april to come (!!!!)
my luggage to get lost in transit
to get driven to wrong places in berlin, because the only german word i know is Scheiße, and the cab driver might just drive me deeper into the cesspits
or anything to go remotely wrong during the show.

...........

and somehow i get this feeling that maybe, just maybe we might last this entire duration. as utterly crazy as it may sound to others, i think we can prove our critics wrong and have one wicked story to tell others next time.

we're allowed to dream aren't we?

good night world. i'm so glad to be alive. omg.

snapshots of my youth

yesterday was spent at my childhood friend's place.
and i went there with apprehension because there was going to be 40 over people and i barely knew any of them.

you know that feeling, of being in big crowds, getting lost in them. becoming invisible.
well thankfully that did not happen. my dear hostess was fluttering about like a vexed butterfly i felt sorry for her for inviting so many people. the last thing you want to do on your birthday is worry. *side note: that's why i had a quiet one for mine.

i saw pri school mates i haven't seen in ages and surprisingly, not many of them changed save for one or two. but i could recognize them instantly. so we spent most of the evening at the rooftop garden reminiscing about old days. and these guys weren't even from my class. still we had a good laugh.

i came home lonely. the feeling came out of nowhere and i broke down. i miss you. even till now, i'm still not used to being without you.

a blank canvas

this is what i like, white, clean, empty space.

it gives me great pleasure knowing that i can 'defile' it in anyway i want. to purge from within anything that might eat into my soul, should i keep it to myself. baring my open heart. not knowing who will read it, not caring who does anyway.

i shall begin with the 'r' word.

relationships

not just any, but partner/lover relationships
it's hard enough being in one. it's harder when the person is thousands of miles away. the possibilities of anything happening are endless. it's mad. it makes me mad. and i'm even madder for being in one.

but isn't this what makes the heart beat? mad love. the feeling of inexorability, that as cheesy as it may sound, nothing may tear you apart?

however i'm scared. i'm afraid to lose the one thing i love the most. and it's an even worser blow because you're helpless. helpless in a sense that you eventually become a spectator to the person's life if really it were to end. the distance is like a bloody wedge in the door, one that you can't do anything about. can a long distance relationship survive on words and trust in this modern age? words are so cheap. so easy to be spat out. it doesn't have direct implications unless there are legal bonds tied to it. that is why i don't like words.

but sometimes words are the only way you can express yourself honestly and explicitly. for some at least. i like actions more. i think they carry more weight. and then trust comes easier.

i don't even trust myself sometimes so i am constantly in limbo when it comes to trusting others. that raises the question on whether it's fair that i doubt someone because of my own issues i have with myself.

a friend once told me that if a partner is worried about you for some particular reason, say, you'll have the whole house to yourself for a week, and he won't be there to look over you, it's not that they don't trust you therefore they voice their concerns. it's because they don't trust themselves to be in that same situation as you. this is an idea that needs some personal dot connection. i don't know how to explicitly explain it, but i absolutely saw the point when my friend told me that.

god, with all this talk about love and relationships i'm getting tired already. as i said, words are cheap, the world's full of people making empty, unfulfilled promises. and i don't want to start being one of them.

bon soir.