a blank canvas

this is what i like, white, clean, empty space.

it gives me great pleasure knowing that i can 'defile' it in anyway i want. to purge from within anything that might eat into my soul, should i keep it to myself. baring my open heart. not knowing who will read it, not caring who does anyway.

i shall begin with the 'r' word.

relationships

not just any, but partner/lover relationships
it's hard enough being in one. it's harder when the person is thousands of miles away. the possibilities of anything happening are endless. it's mad. it makes me mad. and i'm even madder for being in one.

but isn't this what makes the heart beat? mad love. the feeling of inexorability, that as cheesy as it may sound, nothing may tear you apart?

however i'm scared. i'm afraid to lose the one thing i love the most. and it's an even worser blow because you're helpless. helpless in a sense that you eventually become a spectator to the person's life if really it were to end. the distance is like a bloody wedge in the door, one that you can't do anything about. can a long distance relationship survive on words and trust in this modern age? words are so cheap. so easy to be spat out. it doesn't have direct implications unless there are legal bonds tied to it. that is why i don't like words.

but sometimes words are the only way you can express yourself honestly and explicitly. for some at least. i like actions more. i think they carry more weight. and then trust comes easier.

i don't even trust myself sometimes so i am constantly in limbo when it comes to trusting others. that raises the question on whether it's fair that i doubt someone because of my own issues i have with myself.

a friend once told me that if a partner is worried about you for some particular reason, say, you'll have the whole house to yourself for a week, and he won't be there to look over you, it's not that they don't trust you therefore they voice their concerns. it's because they don't trust themselves to be in that same situation as you. this is an idea that needs some personal dot connection. i don't know how to explicitly explain it, but i absolutely saw the point when my friend told me that.

god, with all this talk about love and relationships i'm getting tired already. as i said, words are cheap, the world's full of people making empty, unfulfilled promises. and i don't want to start being one of them.

bon soir.